Re-Discover You: Moving from Selflessness to Self-Reflection
A dear friend of mine, and mentor, more often than not seems to ask the perfect question at the right moment.
Here’s one that sticks with me; Brace yourself, sometimes it can feel like a kick to the gut…
How can you decide what’s best for you when you don’t even know you?
It’s a philosophical compass of sorts that never disappoints and it fuels curiosity, steering self-reflection in a direction that invites a deeper understanding of one’s needs, desires and limitations.
When I’ve prompted this question to caregivers, there’s always a pause and often times, an air of “I don’t know.” What’s ultimately concluded with further discussion; most caregivers aren’t too sure they’ve ever explored the opportunity to know themselves. What typically follows; a vulnerability that sparks a momentary crisis.
This is what I call The Abyss.
Experiencing a crisis can be fiercely messy; a nagging feeling that something is amiss. This realization disrupts the equilibrium and highlights the need for change. As uncertainty intensifies, we find ourselves daring to ask, Who am I? What once was familiar compels us to question what we once considered certain.
Research suggests that a crisis can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and self-discovery. This crossroad provides an opportunity and stimulates a choice; the pressure to retreat and maintain the status-quo or embrace a raw, and authentic transformation.
Before we jump into the how-to of exploring Who am I and what do I need, I want to address the how we got here.
As parents, we’re constantly shuffling the responsibilities of parenthood and other tasks, while more often than not prioritizing our children over our own needs.
I’m always on the go
I rarely have time for myself
I’m exhausted
From this continued pattern over time, deciding what’s best for oneself can be challenging, especially when we’re attempting to juggle, balance and multi-task; 3 acts that emphasize others over ourselves, and a demanding trio that lack permission, invite stress and keep the following thoughts nagging in the background,
What about me?
I need to make time for me
When the kids are older, then I’ll have time
Today, I’m here to give you permission and a reminder, we’re only human AND we absolutely need to take care of ourselves to be the best versions of ourselves. AND YES, that means taking time to move from selfless to selfish and making time to get to know you and your evolving needs and desires.
Here are a few tips to get started:
Self-reflection:
Take time and space to engage in activities that help you gain a better understanding of yourself. Some of my favorite recommendations include journaling, meditation, and incorporating practices like yoga to promote self-care and mindfulness. Personally, I’m a huge fan of parts work by Richard Schwartz (Internal Family Systems) and he has great 101-type resources for beginners, or those with a stronger foundational understanding.
Please note: I always recommend the help of a professional, whether that’s a Therapist, Counselor, Coach, etc. if you need further/additional support or need the extra accountability.
Explore Interests:
Try new activities, hobbies or other interests that spark your curiosity. When you take time to explore, you have the opportunity to further identify what you like and dislike, your strengths and passions, or find something that resonates and sparks a sense of joy.
Seek a different perspective:
Sit with trusted friends, family members and other confidants, and ask for their feedback. Sometimes people outside of ourselves can help us observe qualities we forgot and provide valuable insights.
How would they describe you?
What do they see as your strengths?
What are things they’ve heard you say you want to explore or learn?
Set boundaries:
Practice saying no to additional responsibilities that bring forth overwhelm, or to engagements that initially prompt a I really don’t want to do this feeling. Often times, we say yes to events or experiences with resentment, which is never good for anyone. Setting boundaries is an opportunity to protect your energy and preserve your time. Setting boundaries is an opportunity to protect your energy and preserve your time. Learn more about setting healthy boundaries and self-care here..
Embrace Selfishness:
Get comfortable in creating opportunities to prioritize you and your interests. This is where we drop the notion that self-care is a luxury; no, it’s a necessity. Taking time to put your needs first, not only allows for ongoing moments to recharge, it allows you to be more present and effective in your various roles, including parenthood.
Be kind and patient with yourself; self-discovery can be both vulnerable and rewarding, and it’s a process. Taking gradual steps in exploring and understanding yourself better will undoubtedly guide you toward choices and actions that are more aligned with your personal needs and support intentional action.
